So just as an update to everyone, so I don't have to answer the question "So how's New York?", for the rest of my life. (Not that I don't appreciate the well wishes, I really do, it's just a bummer having the same conversation with every person in my past life, when there's so many other things to talk about then "the weather isn't the same, it's fun, this this and this is different, yada yada yada")
Right now I'm working as a ridiculously overpaid receptionist at Hiscox USA, a specialty insurance company. "What do they do?" you may ask. The same thing AIG did. "What did they do?" you will ask. And the answer my friends, is that I have no idea. I answer phones, make copies, keep the kitchen area tidy, and make insanely overpriced catering orders for lunch for 2.
It may sound boring, but it's actually really fun. Most of the people that work for the company are British and i have absolutely no idea what they're saying half the time, (they get to cuss and make it sound professional.. I should've been British) But I've come to realize how much hotter girls with English accents are. THIIIIIIIIIIIS MUUUUUUUUUCH.
That was all just a prelude to the real reason for this post. There is an event going on in this office that has the potential to sweep the nation. I figured I would share it with everyone. The bathroom is past my desk, and since I sit here and do nothing most of the day, I started to keep tabs on everybodies trips to the bathroom. And when I actually started paying attention to it, there was one guy who was going about every 30 minutes, he averages about 8 trips to the bathroom a day. And we have separate lunch breaks, so there is a 2 hour window where I can't monitor it. It also doesn't include when he sneaks by when I'm on a smoke break or running errands.
It's seriously the highlight of my days. Everytime he walks out, I give him a polite smile and nod as he puts his head down and runs back to his desk. One time I followed him to see what was doing. In the 10 second walk to the bathroom, he looked back 3 times with a look on his face like a teenager who's mom is rifling through his room helping him find his wallet, and he realizes she's about 10 seconds away from finding his porn stash while he struggled for a good reason to divert her attention without making her suspicious (just an example, not that that's ever happened to me). While i was in there, he didn't even pee, he quickly washed his hands and ran out the bathroom. When I came out his head was peeked out the corner of the elevator like a bad 80's sitcom and ducked into it quicker than a human being could move (unless they're on some sort of upper).
So my friend Michelle and guy came up with one solid conclusion. He's doing coke.
To protect him, I gave him an alias "Cokie". At the end of this month I will tally up all his bathroom usage, and report it on this blog. I'll come up with averages, pie charts, graphs, and algorithms (probably not the last 3). We're going to start betting on it. Everybody throws in a dollar, predicts his bathroom usage for the month, end of the month, person closest keeps the pot. That simple.
Let me know if you want to make history.
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