I WATCHED YOU GET EM WET!

So just as an update to everyone, so I don't have to answer the question "So how's New York?", for the rest of my life. (Not that I don't appreciate the well wishes, I really do, it's just a bummer having the same conversation with every person in my past life, when there's so many other things to talk about then "the weather isn't the same, it's fun, this this and this is different, yada yada yada")

Right now I'm working as a ridiculously overpaid receptionist at Hiscox USA, a specialty insurance company. "What do they do?" you may ask. The same thing AIG did. "What did they do?" you will ask. And the answer my friends, is that I have no idea. I answer phones, make copies, keep the kitchen area tidy, and make insanely overpriced catering orders for lunch for 2.

It may sound boring, but it's actually really fun. Most of the people that work for the company are British and i have absolutely no idea what they're saying half the time, (they get to cuss and make it sound professional.. I should've been British) But I've come to realize how much hotter girls with English accents are. THIIIIIIIIIIIS MUUUUUUUUUCH.

That was all just a prelude to the real reason for this post. There is an event going on in this office that has the potential to sweep the nation. I figured I would share it with everyone. The bathroom is past my desk, and since I sit here and do nothing most of the day, I started to keep tabs on everybodies trips to the bathroom. And when I actually started paying attention to it, there was one guy who was going about every 30 minutes, he averages about 8 trips to the bathroom a day. And we have separate lunch breaks, so there is a 2 hour window where I can't monitor it. It also doesn't include when he sneaks by when I'm on a smoke break or running errands.

It's seriously the highlight of my days. Everytime he walks out, I give him a polite smile and nod as he puts his head down and runs back to his desk. One time I followed him to see what was doing. In the 10 second walk to the bathroom, he looked back 3 times with a look on his face like a teenager who's mom is rifling through his room helping him find his wallet, and he realizes she's about 10 seconds away from finding his porn stash while he struggled for a good reason to divert her attention without making her suspicious (just an example, not that that's ever happened to me). While i was in there, he didn't even pee, he quickly washed his hands and ran out the bathroom. When I came out his head was peeked out the corner of the elevator like a bad 80's sitcom and ducked into it quicker than a human being could move (unless they're on some sort of upper).

So my friend Michelle and guy came up with one solid conclusion. He's doing coke.

To protect him, I gave him an alias "Cokie". At the end of this month I will tally up all his bathroom usage, and report it on this blog. I'll come up with averages, pie charts, graphs, and algorithms (probably not the last 3). We're going to start betting on it. Everybody throws in a dollar, predicts his bathroom usage for the month, end of the month, person closest keeps the pot. That simple.

Let me know if you want to make history.

Work Hard.. Play Harder.. Living it Uptown

Things I've noticed since living in NY

- Living in Brooklyn isn't as cool as it sounds.. Hood credibility doesn't matter if you never have to go to the hood.

- It is impossible to get off the train and not smell like farts

- Puerto Ricans scare me a lot more than Blacks... time to step your game up Black people.

- A 10 in Long Beach is a 6.5 in New York

- People out here are go getters, and it's a perfect environment to try and make it in any field (except maybe porn)

- My favorite type of people out here are little fat white kids with fresh ass clothes on who haven't yet decided to develop a wigger accent

- It seems that the degree of seperation from us normal folk to celebrities is vastly decreased.. New York is like the Twitter of cities.

- There is something like a 3 to 1 ratio of single women to single men.. because girls come out here to be in the fashion industry.. and so do guys.. but they're all gay.. this is going to be easy..

- Being a hipster in NY isn't half as annoying as being a hipster in LB.. It may be time to make the jump... first step, buying a bike.

- I look good with shaved pubic hair. Not so much with a line up.

Na na na na.. wait til i get my $$$ right

There's this recurring theme within the youth of America every generation since the 60's. Money, Power, Corporate America.. they're all bad. They rob from the poor and give to the rich. They exploit the population for their own benefit. You see that guy driving the Porsche wearing a 3000 dollar suit (C'MON!) talking on his BlackBerry. You hate him. He's an asshole. He is corporate America. He is.... everything I wish I was..

I want to be rich.. Not just well off enough to support my family while having job security. I want to be filthy rich. Vinnie Chase rich.. Chuck Bass rich..

Con men always say they never steal money, people give them money. Which in essence is what that guy in the suit does. He creates marketing ideas, business plans, products, etc.. all under one idea: How can I squeeze the most money out of whatever the hell it is I'm doing? This isn't cruel, or wrong. It's Darwinism. Weeding out the people of the world who simply aren't smart enough not to be programmed by commercials, advertising, and the media. ITS YOUR OWN DUMBASS FAULT.

Now let me make it clear, I'm not looking forward to the way I become rich, but more what I get to do with the riches. I'm not an easily stressed person. The only thing that ever really stresses me is debt. I don't really need to make the connection from there. You know why celebrities say they hate the constant attention their fame and fortune has brought them? Well it's really only because they have nothing else to bitch about. Can you imagine?? A life where you are at such ease that your only gripe is being too famous?

I can't fuckin wait.

Yao Ming looks like Tom Brady

I figured for my first real post.. I'd talk about my first love, no not you Rachel Portner, Basketball. My dad was a fanatic. He put me into all sorts of leagues, bring me along to watch Clipper and UCLA games, taught me all the basic old white man moves. (Move over Stockton!)

Then I saw Hakeem Olajuwon destroying David Robinson who had unjustly won MVP over The Dream. He was 7 feet tall, but moved faster and more gracefully than most guards, he defied all the laws physically of what a Center should be. From that point I was hooked. Watching games everytime my dad had one on, playing non stop. There was only one problem, my dad has this weird thing about him where he loves underdog teams, the loveable losers. Which meant in our house.. we root for the underdogs (the Clippers) and hate the perennial winners (the Lakers).

One thing i know how to do.. is hate the Lakers. I despise them. Seeing an attractive girl at a bar throw her hands up when Kobe does something ridiculous makes me want to punch her in the face. I developed my own reasons to hate them apart from my dad's. He hates Kobe, everything Kobe does and everything Kobe stands for. I hate everything and everyone on that team.. except Josh Powell (love you boo). Bynum, the over-paid over-hyped over-rated primadonna, Pau Gasol who runs like a gay Velociraptor, Farmar's ridiculous aura thinking he's good, eventhough he can't take the starting spot from Fisher. Do I even need to begin talking about Vujacic? Top to bottom they're dispicable, every last one of them.

But I didn't care.. not this year.. no way, no how. Yeah, they'd be good this year, among the top of the league. Even if they make it past Houston, Utah, San Antonio and New Orleans, there's no way they're going to beat the Celtics.. But this season was a disaster. Houston underacheived and T-Mac shut it down for the season in February.. things were looking up, then Yao breaks his foot. Utah, well.. they were Utah. San Antonio aged about 30 years over one summer. And people realized New Orleans was probably the worst team in the league without Chris Paul, so they focused all their energy on containing him.

But that was no big deal to me.. eventhough I thought these teams could pose a threat to LA, deep down i knew LA was better than all of them. But something happened I didn't expect. MO WILLIAMS aka who the fuck is this guy? Really?? this is all it took to add to the Cavs awful line up to have a championship team? It's OK Isaac.. it's OK. Boston is still better. It'll be Boston and LA, and Boston will beat LA, and the world will be right. KG IS HURT? Well it's okay.. Leon Powe is good enough to cause a threat.. huh? he's hurt too?? well.. who do we have to replace him? Brian Scalabrine... Big Baby Davis... shit.

I'm on the verge of the worst possible finals I could imagine. I hate the Cavs and LeBron nearly as much as I hate the Lakers. The difference is.. the Lakers can't keep this up. Kobe's getting older, and Gasol just isn't a number one option. But their fans.. they're awful. they're the epitomy of what is wrong with the NBA. They're headline readers, they're sheep, they aren't real basketball fans, they're fans of hype. They love being part of the group, having real conversations about how Kobe is better than Jordan. They really think their bench alone is a playoff team. Meanwhile they have no idea who Kevin Durant is, or how pretty Michael Redd's jumpshot is, that Chris Paul could go down as the 2nd best PG ever, or how fun the Hawks young athletic team is to watch. They bite into the hype ESPN and the NBA creates because LA is such a large, STUPID market. If the Lakers win.. it will justify everything these idiots say, with no real knowledge. It's like guessing on the SATS for every question and still walking away with a perfect score. It feeds the delusion. They just keep lucking out. Last year they were a first round exit team until they traded their worst player for Gasol. That shit doesn't happen to other teams. It just doesn't.

But if the Cavs win.. LeBron is only 24. everyone on his team is replaceable, and he'd still be a threat to win a championship every year. And the Hype machine will just turn its targets to Ohio. Can you imagine? Cleveland being a desired place to play? The NBA turning one of the historically worst franchises in the league into one of the biggest markets they have.

I guess there's some hope after all.. Ricky Rubio.. you better not suck.. Go Cavs.

BEEEELOOOOG

So, i'm a shitty writer, i'm completely aware of that. i don't read, have intelligent conversations, and i haven't learned a new word since i turned 15 (it was boughetto.. thanks nelly!). this blog has no purpose theme or direction, other than for me to write whatever the shit i feel like whenever i want. tell your friends!